Fourth and Dumb

Timmy got 22 out of 50 on the notorious Wonderlic test given to potential NFL draftees, and which includes questions like, “Paper costs 12 cents per pad; how many pads could be bought with 60 cents?” Unfortunately, Timmy answered that question, “Jesus?”

But keep in mind that Dan Marino got a 15, and he ended up pretty good. Still, it’s amusing.

As a long-time Gator, and also a long-time secularist, I’ve gotten used to not worrying about politics and religion when it comes to my love for the Gators. I was at UF with QB Kerwin Bell, a devout evangelical Christian who thanked god in interviews after games, and no Gator will probably ever rival the gutty Danny Wuerffel, he of the praying hands after each of his 100+ touchdowns, in my affections.

But clearly no Gator, and no other football player I can think of, has mixed his faith and football as much and as powerfully as Tim Tebow. As our core readership surely knows, Timmy is appearing on a commercial during this year’s Super Bowl to extol the virtues of choosing against abortion, as his mother did when doctors advised her after a bout of malaria to abort the baby who became Timmy, as they figured he’d be unlikely to live anyway. But she chose to have the baby that BECAME TIM TEBOW!!!! Who could argue against such a powerful narrative?

Well, forgetting for a moment that not every woman in that situation is already a mother who wants to raise another child, or that not all such women are in a financial or social position to have a baby, or that the sample size of one that Timmy represents may not be statistically significant in describing the situations of babies who are born to women considering abortion, Tebow is still clearly putting himself in some bad company.

Whose company? Focus on the Family, the group that’s paying for the ad. This is the group founded and led till a couple months ago by James Dobson, who has said that Obama is not a real Christian, that legal gay marriage MUST also allow marriage between fathers and daughters and people and donkeys, and that gay hate crimes legislation shouldn’t pass because it would outlaw a person saying that pedophilia is wrong.

Timmy’s going to alienate a lot of fans, a lot of Gators with this. Of course, I’m sure he doesn’t care—he believes what he believes and will continue to say it. But one wishes he could be like Wuerffel, who has built a thriving center helping African-American kids in a rough part of New Orleans and who has never, to my knowledge, used his faith to attack other people.

Keep in mind that Timmy’s Dad, Bob Tebow, has called abortion doctors “murderers” and has always specifically chosen to try to evangelize in Philippine areas in which Islam is the central religion. Bob Tebow wants to take down other religions and force his beliefs on everyone else. And now his son’s heading that way.

I’m glad Tebow’s time as a Gator is up. I’ll always love him as a member of Gator Nation, but if he’s going to “pal around with” guys like Dobson, I won’t be rooting for him in the future.

Well, did anyone see that coming?

Sure, many observers thought Bama would beat Florida, but the total domination displayed by the Tide couldn’t have been reasonably predicted by disinterested folks. But one thing should have been a tip-off that Bama would win: the Great Satan does not like to lose, and he will do whatever it takes to avoid it. Bama players and coaches say that Saban spent the entire offseason, starting the day after the Sugar Bowl loss, breaking down the Gators (some might argue this started before the Sugar Bowl loss, as Bama didn’t seem that interested in playing Utah last January).

I was most impressed by the Bama O-line. They nearly completely kept the Gators out of the backfield, giving Greg McElroy time to find safe, short routes to hit, while also helping Mark Ingram gash the Gators for 113 yards on the ground and 76 on just two receptions. In the meantime, the Bama defense did to Florida what everyone expected Florida to do to them: they crowded the line and dared Tebow to beat them through the air, a task he was clearly not up to. Meantime, Jeff  Demps and Chris Rainey combined for three rushes (!) for 16 yards (!!). How many for Man Moody? Zero. Though he did manage to lose three yards on one reception.

Though Alabama deserves all the credit for this impressive performance, one still has to wonder at the Gators’ scheming. UF threw the ball on more than half of its first downs, hard to figure for a team at the top of the nation in rush yardage. This led to a lot of second and tens, leading to even fewer rushing attempts. This sure seemed to be the game where the loss of former OC Dan Mullen hurt the Gators the most.

At least next year the Gators will have a shot at redemption, playing at Tuscaloosa on October 2^nd in the fourth game of five in a row against 2009-10 bowl teams. But with Bama returning its offensive skill position players and much of its defense, they’ll be awfully tough to beat. And the Gators are going to be breaking in a raw quarterback as well.

Wait a second, why does that sound so familiar?

So there was this one big game this weekend, and it went the way a lot of us expected: Bama’s passing game looked pretty mediocre, save one giant play made by uber-talent Julio Jones, and Mark Ingram ground down the Tigers in the second half. And one other thing we expected: a crazy homer call for Alabama which seemed obviously wrong to every American not sworn to fealty to George Wallace or Bear Bryant.

So Bama wins 24-15 and stays on track for the BCS CG semi-final game against UF. Considering the seeming bad call against Florida that wasn’t overturned in the win over Arkansas, is there a clear conspiracy to get UF and Alabama into that game? Consider what this would entail: first, a clear desire on the part of the SEC to stage that match-up, as if an Alabama-Florida game somehow guarantees more money or exposure for the league than, say, having LSU or Georgia in the game; surreptitious communication of this plot to league officials along with directions on how to quietly execute calls; a hope that a call here or there could turn the game (certainly not always the case!); and then much hope that none of this gets out.

So, no, there’s no obvious conspiracy. As in almost any sport, officials tend to protect the home team, as well as the highly rated team. But a call here or there couldn’t protect Bama or Florida if they couldn’t win. Still, that shitty call screwed LSU, which sucks.

Bama still has some challenges ahead, with games at Miss State and Auburn (the former gave a good game to UF, so anything’s possible (though unlikely); the latter’s a rivalry game on the road), but they should get into the SEC game undefeated. Florida is at SC this weekend, which some of my Gator pals fear as a trap game, but frankly I can’t see it being close. The grind-it-out Gators will grind out another 14-17 point win, but it will likely be pretty dull, as many of their games have been.

So it will be UF and Bama undefeated. With their erratic offenses and stout defenses, anything can happen. And though we’re a ways away from needing my preview, let’s just consider one thing: both teams have top-five defenses and great run games, with mediocre but potentially explosive passing games. So what separates them? Well, in a big game, whom would you like leading your team: Greg McElroy or Tim Tebow?

The biggest news of the fifth weekend in the world’s greatest college football conference came from its dullest game, Florida’s 41-7 victory over Kentucky, 31/48 of the total points of which came in the first 15 minutes. Of course the news was the bonk on Tim Tebow’s noggin, which was truly horrifying for all Gator fans. Seeing Tim’s blank face on the sideline brought home just how serious a head trauma he took.

Of course, now we know he seems mostly fine, though he’s going to sit all of this week and may not be cleared to start against LSU on October 10, but most of us are betting he will. Now that he’s mostly well, though, it’s worth noting that the Gators can now proclaim another title: CFB’s pukiest team. Timmy joined his roommate Riley Cooper in being shown on national TV barfing; Coop planted some green-looking yams after running a couple long outs against Charleston Southern. Mmmmm.

Miss State nearly shocked the world by taking down LSU. If the Tigers are giving up 26 points to MSU (and if Tyson Lee really stretches on fourth down, they’d have given up 33 and the win), they’re in trouble. This week they get to play the REAL Bulldogs, the ones for whom Joe Cox is making people forget that dude who’s playing for the Lions now. They might give up 40+ to Georgia between the hedges.

Alabama’s defense really locked down mega-man Ryan Mallett and Arkansas. I think an argument could easily be made that Alabama has been the best team in the country over this third of the season, led by a stout D and an offense which is keeping McElroy methodical and in management of games.

Arizona State’s defense showed it was for real against the Dawgs, but Cox came through with a nice drive when he had to, getting field position for the winning FG. Georgia is finding a good offensive rhythm; if they had made another play or two versus Okie State, they’d be sitting in the top five right now. As it is, they might get in after beating LSU this weekend, provided we see some upsets like we have the last couple weeks.

Nobody else played anybody really worth commenting on, but I can’t help but point out that Tennessee nearly gave up as many points at home to Ohio as they did to the Gators in the Swamp. I think Lane’s daddy could’ve spent some of the off-season looking at video of other teams, couldn’t he?

Just a few minutes before I take the wife and kid to a friend’s to watch the USF-FSU game of dyslexia. But I didn’t want to leave our loyal fans without my sage predictions for the fourth week in the world’s greatest conference of football:

There’s a top three offense (Arkansas) going against a top three defense today in Tuscaloosa. The Razorbacks are going to give the Tide all they can handle today, but Bama’s defense is too good to let Zeus-like Ryan Mallett to throw his lightning bolts all over them. Bama gets two picks wins 27-23.

Miss State will slow it down and slog it out, as they always do, against the Bayou Tigres in Starkville. Still, even Jordan Jefferson can get some first downs against the “athletes” Miss State rolls out on defense. LSU wins 23-10 after a close first half.

Arizona State currently has a top 20 defense statistically, but they haven’t played anybody. The Dawgs hang 40+ on the Scum Devils between the hedges and knock them out of the nation’s statistically best D’s.

I just heard that Jesus didn’t protect Timmy from getting a respiratory infection, but at least it’s not the flu that so many other Gators are suffering. Brandon Spikes is fighting some nasty tendinitis in his heel, and I heard a doctor say this week that the overcompensating that people do with such injuries can lead to a ruptured achilles, so I hope that Charlie Strong doesn’t make him play much today. Kentucky’s not the pushover they used to be, but the Gators will get their 23rd straight against the ‘Cats by something like 33-13.  I just don’t think the Gator offense is going to be destroying too many people this year, but they’ll grind it out again.

The other games mostly suck. Tennessee fans will feel good about themselves for beating Ohio, and Auburn will crush Ball State. Next week we’ll learn something about Auburn when they go to Tennessee, where I predict they’ll give Kiffin another “moral victory.”  Oh, and don’t be surprised if Rice’s bizarre triple option gets the win over Vanderbilt.

Let the cheddar burst out of the wurst and the Red Stripe flow like the milk of paradise!

Well, sure–most (honest) heterosexual males would, and probably a lot of homosexual ones, too, if only out of curiosity. But we should have to go about it the old-fashioned way: not be married (that’s an important part of the process), meet her in a bar, make a good opening play (bring up her status as a sorority girl at UF, for instance, and pretend you met her at a ZTA tiki lounge party in ‘97, unless you’re like under 20 or over 45 and can’t bring that off), and hope things go your way. They probably wouldn’t, but at least you made an honest effort.

However, going online to find video shot by some scumbag without her knowledge and against her will is NOT the way to go about this. I first saw the story about this yesterday and found it cosmically fitting that hackers already have embedded nasty viruses in most sites offering the footage. Hackers as defenders of decency? Who knew? It’s also any instructive example of hypcritical irony to see a bit on CNN about it in which the talking head tut-tuts about how awful it is that someone shot such a video while showing stills from it.

Besides, Erin should only be allowed to be seen in the buff by her one true love, Tim Tebow, who, of course, wouldn’t look. This is one of the many paradoxes associated with Tim Tebow, along with the one about whether Tim could make a rock so big he couldn’t lift it.

PS–Hey, we’re going to start writing stuff again! Alert the MSM! Start checking in! SEC Media Days are this week, and I’ll try to offer some poor and/or obvious insights into it!

So Tennessee decided to fire Phil Fulmer toward the end of last season, apparently assuming the coaching shark tank that is the SEC East had passed him by. To replace him UT did what a lot of NFL and college teams seem to be doing: rather than trying to steal a “name” coach from an established school, they went for a young hotshot, namely Lane Kiffin, who had stunk it up with the Raiders, but hey, who hasn’t lately?

Kiffin was a top assistant under Pete Carroll at USC, where he earned a reputation as a good recruiter, able to charm and fire up good players. Tennessee obviously saw him as a guy who could recruit with the Sabans and Meyers of the world and kick start the Vols back into SEC relevance (I know, I know, they were in the SEC title game just two years ago, but that still seems like a weird dream).

What the Vols braintrust probably couldn’t have predicted was Kiffin’s becoming perhaps the conference’s number-one, most-hated target of the Vols’ biggest rivals so soon. Turns out Lane is quite the loudmouth, a guy who so far hasn’t been able to make his foot big enough that he can’t cram it into his mouth. Let’s have a list of Lane’s stupid soundbites!

1. First, Lane decided to make Urban Meyer take an interest in him. The morning after Signing Day, at a Vols booster breakfast, Kiffin told the crowd about WR recruit Nu’Keese Richardson that Meyer had “cheated” by calling the player while he was visiting UT. Problems with that statement: A) Calling a player while on a school visit is NOT an NCAA violation; B) Meyer didn’t know Richardson was on the visit; C) Kiffin just ensured that Tim Tebow will be throwing deep against the Vols in the fourth quarter with the Gators ahead by 56.

2. Why did Meyer not know Richardson was at UT? Because Kiffin told Richardson to LIE to UF coaches about UT’s interest. Note that Richardson was an oral commit to UF since spring 2008 and had never shown any inclination to change his mind. His own teammates and head coach at Pahokee were stunned when he put on a Vols cap at his signing ceremony.

3. About Pahokee, a school that has produced numerous NCAA and even NFL players, Kiffin told those same boosters this: “You take that hour drive up from south Florida, there ain’t a gas station that works. Nobody’s got enough money to even have shoes or a shirt on.” And also: ”[Richardson's aunts] didn’t [fax his letter of intent] at the school because they knew somebody at the school was going to screw it up. The fax machine wouldn’t work, or they would have changed signatures, all the things that go on in Pahokee now.”  The Pahokee coach was outraged, and that town’s city council (!) actually formally scolded Kiffin. Considering how many great players come from the muck down there around the southern shores of Lake Okechobee, Kiffin has just closed a strong possible pipeline.

4. Kiffin “stole” Alabama’s top recruiter, Lance Thompson, by throwing some serious caysh his way (one positive you have to note about Kiffin is that he’s paying his assistants more than anybody in college–but, of course, one of them is his pops, Monte, the DC). Then Thompson and Kiffin crowed about how they had hurt Bama’s recruiting. So besides pissing off Meyer, who has already shown that he carries a grudge and will pay it back (right, Mark Richt?), Kiffin has now pissed off the Devil himself, Nick Satan. Better yet, Thompson bragged that UT would now “own” the fertile recruiting area of Memphis, but within a week Saban had gotten an oral commit for 2010 from consensus top-ten WR from, you guessed it, Memphis.

5. After falsely accusing Meyer of cheating to get Richardson, the Lord of Irony smote Kiffin by having him truly get hit with two secondary violations: first, it was discovered he had had recruits give a dummy press conference, and then he had players run onto the field at Neyland Stadium with fog machines running. Though minor, these are infractions regarding simulating game-day conditions, forbidden by the NCAA.

6. And then Kiffin got a third violation a couple days ago, when he mentioned stud RB Bryce Brown, who is waiting until March to sign (my guess is he’ll go to Oklahoma, not Miami, btw), which, of course, is forbidden.

You can make an argument that none of this matters. He’s certainly fired up the Volunteer nation, sparking comparisons to the way Steve Spurrier shook up other folks with his big mouth when he came in. But remember that Spurrier came in having unbelievably won an ACC title at Duke, giving him a bit of a pedigree as a college head coach. Kiffin has never even (head) coached a college game, and he’s made sure that his two main rivals will want even more badly to punish him. And keep in mind that at his hiring press conference, Kiffin told Vols fans he looks forward to singing “‘Rocky Top’ all night after beating the Gators at the Swamp.” Something tells me that Tebow and Meyer, notorious for using even perceived slights as motivation, will be reminding each other about that all summer. Thanks for making the SEC East even more exciting to look forward to, Lane!

So, a college football blog should probably provide some attention to the sport’s biggest game. As an unabashed Gator, it’s hard for me to even get close to objective, but I am aware how razor thin the Gators’ margin was in that game. How different might the result have been had Oklahoma gotten seven on either of its two trips inside teh Gator five yard line in the first half? What if Ahmad Black doesn’t rip that ball away from Manuel Iglesias?

Of course, championships are won by making those plays, and Oklahoma didn’t make them. Add today’s announcement that Tebow will return for his senior season, and you’ve got a lot of happy Gators out there.

I figure that Harvin and Spikes are gone. Both should be first round picks, unlike Timmy, and both now have two rings. There’s no reason for them to risk injury and leave money on the table. I want them to go off and have big careers (please, Ahura Mazda, steer Percy to the Bucs).

Still, as is perenially the case, there are a bunch of teams with beefs, the two most legitimate of which are, in order, Utah’s and USC’s. Texas’s argument lost some of its strength because of the closeness of its win against Ohio State (who, fairly or unfairly, is now considered BCS dogmeat forever until it can blow away a Southern team) and by the poor performance of the Big 12 in the bowls. Utah, however, beat Bama more handily than UF did and went undefeated. Still, few folks not wearing magic underwear would seriously argue that Utah would’ve gone 13-0 in the SEC. USC, however, plays in a big-time conference (well, sort of) which shone in the post season, going 5-0. And then they laid a big whipping on Penn State, though I suspect that the fact that they let the Nittanies kind of hang around in the second half doesn’t help their cause too much, nor does the fact that right now no one expects the Big Ten to be able to win BCS games against anybody. As much as I respect what Utah did, the game I’d sure like to see is UF-USC. These two programs have to hook up sometime soon, and if they can do so in the BCS CG as undefeated teams next year, it will be the biggest college football game of the BCS era, and maybe ever. If Mark Sanchez stays, we might just get to see it; well, as long as USC can get by the ferocious Beavers and UF can get by its visit to Starkville, where they’ll not only meet up with former OC Dan Mullen, who might have some ideas how to slow the offense he ran, and where they’ll have to face their Mississipi Curse, which somehow for twenty years has seen them play poorly against teams from that state.

Now to find something to do for the next nine months . . . better go to Rivals to check out the recruits . . .