Fourth and Dumb

2012! Issa  hole new year! We a gonna dominate!!! Tequila is my homeboy! Get me my bottle, girl!

Chris, as proof that tackling in football should be improved, I show you a literal rib-breaker executed legally. If defenders could learn to tackle like this, we wouldn’t have issues with shots to the head.

EDIT: To clarify, people in tackle sports talk about rib-breakers, this is a literal rib-breaker. Rogers used to be an avid surfer, but is unable to do it ever again on account of this hit.

You damn skippy!

Yeah, I’m talking about that fucking load, Charlie Weis, who up and left the Gators after one season of leading an offense stocked (supposedly) with speed and Rivals-250 talent to a 80th-ish or so finish in total offense in D1.

I guess I shouldn’t be mad, as I hated that bitch before and greatly enjoyed his failure at Notre Dame before he ever set foot in Hogtown, but like some Gators, I just swallowed hard and tried to think that he would be able to reinvigorate our sad offense of 2010. It never occurred to me that we could possibly be worse than 2010, but Charlie made it happen. So I guess I’m glad he’s gone, but I’m still pissed that he ever took the job, or at least that he took the job while going out of his way to tell every friggin’ hack out there that he chose G-ville since his son is a student there, and his wife likes the horsies in Ocala, and his special-needs son could have an excellent place for education. He even said he couldn’t imagine leaving before his kid was done at UF. But yeah, coaches lie, big fuckin’ news.

Anyway, the choice that Muschamp has before him will determine whether he’s going to be a success at UF or whether he’ll be looking for a coordinator job after two more seasons. I figure that’s how long he has to get UF back into the SEC Championship Game. Gator Nation is a cruel and fickle land, and its denizens demand to have a basis for their huge egos. 6-6 sure as hell ain’t gonna cut it.

The rumor mill has identified three obvious candidates, listed here in ascending order of potential awesomeness: Brian White, current TE coach at UF, who coached RBs at Wisconsin, where he made Ron Dayne a star; Marshall Applewhite, the Texas OC, who is Muschamp’s buddy; and then Kerwin Bell, UF QB when I started there back in ’86, who also coached Johnny Brantley in HS when he was one of the best QBs in the nation, and who led FCS team Jacksonville U to the #1 rated offense in 1-AA two years ago and was good again this year after many departures.

Applewhite seems the front runner, but let me tell you that he’s not going to get anyone down here excited, good as he may be. Do we really need to have our team run by the fucking Longhorns’ brain trust? Shit, we might as well have just hired geriatric Mack Brown.

Kerwin will fire up the base big time. I’ve already seen posts at Gator Country arguing he’s not experienced enough, but guys like Gus Malzahn and Jim Harbaugh jumped into big-time D1 after stints at FCS schools. And like when we brought in Spurrier, fans will love having a real Gator on the sideline to balance the goddamn Dawg we have as head coach.

Not gonna tip the Big Least title game, as it already happened. But, here we go.

UCLA vs. Oregon (-31)

Neuheisel’s already been shown the door. UCLA had to ask for a waiver to be bowl-eligible in case they lose. Oregon still has an outside shot at returning to the title game. The Ducks will win by six touchdowns.

Southern Miss vs. Houston (-14)

Houston will fuck up the BCS system by beating every team it plays, but not even getting a sniff of the title game. Houston by 20+

Georgia vs. LSU (-13.5)

Even if LSU loses, they’re probably in. Nonetheless, they’re not going to lose here. LSU by three touchdowns

Virginia Tech vs. Clemson (+7)

Clemson played a fairly weak schedule, and somehow got to the top ten before tumbling. Virginia Tech will smear the fields with tiger blood, which Charlie Sheen will try to consume. Hokies by a lot.

Wisconsin at Michigan State (+9)

In East Lansing, the Spartans won with a last-second touchdown. Wisconsin has not beaten a good team on the road this year, and I don’t see that changing. Spartans by 10

You just need to head to Indianapolis, and be prepared to dress in either red or green.

(tip of the ol’ jock strap to our favorite Wolverine blog, the Hoover Street Rag)

So that smug, egotistical wanker Urban Meyer is reported to be heading to Ohio State, to no one’s surprise. Last year anyone who cares about such things said Urb would take a year off to get easy checks from ESPN while regurgling his competitive juices, and then he’d take whatever plum he wanted, and after it became clear that the Vest was going to have to leave OSU, that became the obvious choice.

Now we’ll get to hear his wife Sherry in interviews repeating the old story about Urb’s dream jobs, for which she had to accept his choice to go: Notre Dame and Ohio State. He actually spurned Notre Dame for UF six years ago, but he’s no sentimental dummy: he could see that the Irish would take five or more years to revive, while UF was ready to win immediately.

The SEC pressure cooker got a lot tougher on ol’ Urb when Saban came to Bama and Petrino went to Arkansas, and Urb could see that he wasn’t going to just cruise to SEC titles anymore; couple that with Timmy Jesus leaving and a sub-par 2010 recruiting class, and Urb figured he better get sick and get the hell out of Hogtown.

Did he leave the cupboard bare for Muschamp? Not exactly, but that supposedly #1 recruiting class in the country Urb got before leaving doesn’t seem to have panned out, and there’s certainly no depth.

So now he’ll take Ohio State and get them faster and tougher for a while, but I predict he’ll be out of that job within seven years. And he’ll say again that he wants to spend time with his family; you know, the family he’s been spending so much time with as he flies to a different city every Saturday this fall. At least with the Gators, he’d be able to come home six or seven nights a week. But it doesn’t matter: the family is just there for background props when Urb wants to show what a good guy he is, and not a self-centered, mercenary asshole.

Happy Thanksgiving!

At this point, the Nittany Lions and Spartans control their own destiny. I get a hunch that shit’s gonna get crazy. Let’s see the matchups:

Minnesota at Northwestern (-15.5)
Northwestern gets a bowl game with a win, if they lose, they gotta beat the Spartans. They knocked off Nebraska and Rice in the two weeks prior, there is no way they let this one slip. Cats by 3 TDs

Wisconsin at Illinois (+14.5)
Given recent events, namely the shooting which put LB Trulon Henry in the hospital, the Illini will be high on emotion. Wisconsin has had trouble on the road, so an upset could be on the cards. The Zooker also needs one to shut up the fucking lemmings who are calling for his head. I’m calling it here: Illini by 10

Iowa at Purdue (+2.5)
The bookies are fucking on the sauce. Purdue is at home, coming off a big win over OSU, and needs the game to get a bowl bid. This one won’t be close. Purdue by two TDs.

Indiana at Michigan State (-28)
Straight up, Sparty will stomp some Hoosier ass. Against the spread, Sparty will stomp some Hoosier ass. Michigan State in a rout

Nebraska at Michigan (-3.5)
Michigan has no shot at the division title. Nebraska only has a shot if Michigan State drops a game. As slim as that chance is, both teams need a big game to improve their chances of getting a better bowl bid. Nebraska, with their slim shot at the division title, will pull it out in a squeaker. Nebraska by 4

Penn State at Ohio State (-6.5)
Penn State is still leading the division despite losing a close game to Nebraska. They need this win for security, as they’re heading to Camp Randall for the regular season finale. But, with all the controversy, I can’t see them winning. Buckeyes to cover

Random pick: Iowa State will put up a fight, but will not beat the Cowboys.

Today in my local rag, The Orlando Sentinel, I saw an AP story about how pleased the BCS people and its supporters (there are supporters?) that all the seeming potential for multiple-undefeated-teams craziness has passed, which, the story claimed, was going to at least mute the screams for scrapping the BCS that would’ve been louder had we ended up with 5-6 undefeated teams at the end of the season.

But as Keith Jackson would say, “Whoa, bitch, slow your mother-fuckin’ roll.” What I can see happening here is potentially far more FUBAR than if we had 3 undefeated teams.

Conventional wisdom, presumably, is that one of two things will happen. Either Okie State will finish undefeated and play LSU in the BCS NC game, or Oklahoma will lash out and beat its even-more-rednecky neighbors, and then we’ll get Redneckageddon II, with Bama and LSU playing four more quarters to see who can score a defensive TD.

But here’s the deal. Oklahoma WILL beat OSU. I say this even though Texas Tech somehow snuck up on the Sooners and beat them in their own house, while OSU put up 66 on the Red Raiders. But Boomer Sooner will be ready for the rivalry game, and the FORTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD MAN coach of OSU will be shown a seat in the corner.

But it could get weirder. Who’s playing better football lately than Arkansas, who is OSU with a defense? The Hogs one loss was a hard-fought one with Bama, and they get to have a say in the SEC West when they play LSU. What if Arkansas knocks LSU down and we have nothing but one-loss teams (and fuck Houston, I ain’t even gonna hear that shit).

Then the BCS is back in the same world of hurt, with probably as many as eight one-loss teams, many with claims of beating each other. And just to make it more FUBAR, what if Arkansas gets into the SEC game based on tie-breakers and then LOSES to UGA? Could they put a SEC team which didn’t play in the SEC CG into the BCS NC game (how’d that work out for Nebraska that one time?). And are they even allowed to have a BCS CG without a SEC team?

Jesus H Tap Dancing Motherfucking Christ. Just when you think it can’t get any more insane, shit like the current situation at Penn State pops up. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, get your head out of the fucking sand.

That being said, there are still games this week, so here we go:

Ohio State at Purdue (+7)

As it stands, this game will be much closer than the line suggests. That being said, I honestly expect Purdue to win straight-up. It’ll be by less than 7, but since this is in West Lafayette, the Boilermakers will finally get one over Brutus.

Rice at Northwestern (-16)

I get the feeling Northwestern scheduled this game as a way to get back on its feet after getting its ass kicked in Lincoln. But, now they need to win two of the last three to be bowl-eligible. After this game, they host Minnesota and Michigan State. I don’t see Northwestern dropping this one, but weirder shit has happened. Rice to cover

Nebraska at Penn State (+3)

With everything that has gone on, I cannot see Penn State performing well. Yes, they will have emotion on their side, but I doubt they have been able to practice and prepare as they should for such a strong opponent. The Nittany Lions also can afford to drop a game and still have a shot at the conference title.Huskers by double digits

Michigan State at Iowa (+2.5)

The question is, did Michigan State learn from the scare it got at home from Minnesota last weekend? Given how another loss could be costly (and potentially create a four-way tie at the top between the two teams, Michigan, and Nebraska), Michigan State will take care of business. Spartans to cover

Michigan at Illinois (-1)

This is damn close to a mirror match-up, given how the offenses operate. Both defenses will have had plenty of practice against the threat they face. Yes, the Illini are already bowl-eligible, but I trust that they’ll get back to .500 in the conference with an ass-kicking. Illini by more than 7

Wisconsin at Minnesota (+27)

Wisconsin needs to show it can kick as much B1G ass on the road as it can at home. Their only road win came against Northern Illinois, while they have lost to both Michigan State and Ohio State away. Minnesota will come in with tails up after giving the Spartans a scare, but I predict Russell Wilson will get his road legs and trample the Gophers. Badgers to cover